Orvil's Show
by Pollo the Chicken Mage
Summary: Orvil (not from GW) hosts a talkshow, and his guests are the Gundam Boys/Quatre. Insanity and some language insues.


We here at Chicken Mage Productions feel the need to bring back our old host Orvil Shiskabob from the gutter to host yet another talk show. This is because we are kind and considerate folk and are the kindest of the kind. Well, I'll let you all get on to the show now because I see my little cousin stealing some of my cookies and we, the staff, must go sucker punch her for it.  
  
Disclaimer: We own no part of Gundam Wing or FF7. We do own Orvil Shiskabob. His soul is ours. OwNEd!  
Orvil walks out onto the monologue area. The show's onstage band plays. The bandleader, Vincent, plays a little ditty then winks at Orvil, giving the usual comedy bit and making the audience laugh. I mean really, who would expect that kind of zany antics from Vincent?! The audience claps for Orvil.  
  
"Shh. Enough! Thank you! Hello, Vincent. Looking dead as usual. Alright, well, we have a good show to look forward to here tonight. I mean what isn't there to look forward to when you've got trolley cars waiting in the Sunday rain outside? Eh? Get it?"  
  
Crickets.......  
  
"Well, okay. So my mom finally kicked me out of her house yesterday."  
  
BOOOOOO's erupt from the crowd.  
  
"I know, I know. It was really cruel of her to do that to me, but whatever. That's just what parents do when its finally time to set their children out into the world. That reminds me of a funny story. The world, its full of___"  
  
"Shut up ya jackass! We were booing at you for still having lived with your mom, ya retard!"  
  
Orvil got a sort of dazed and cry-y look on his face.  
  
"That's just cruel. I just don't feel up to my monologue. That's it, I'm going to sit at my desk, and drink some coffee and say the news. Talk to you later, Vincent."  
  
Vincent led the band to play some death music while Orvil trudged over to his desk. At his desk he proceeded to pick up his coffee and drink it in one quick chug. Soon afterward he grabbed his throat in pain.  
  
"AAHHH!!! I'll get over it.. Alright. In recent news.. Iraq is still having those missiles apparently. Iraq is still also having GAY problems! Ha! Eh? Eh?"  
  
Orvil shiftedly tries to get the audience to laugh at his horrible joke.  
  
"In other news, I have become gay___ HEY DAMMIT I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUT THAT IN THE SCRIPT AGAIN!! Sorry folks, I'm not really gay, its those damn producers. Everytime we do a show they write that into the script under recent news. I can't believe those cocks. I can see them sitting over there laughing at me! SHUT UP YOU BASTARDS!"  
  
Orvil picks up his coffee mug and hurls it at the producers, who were, indeed, sitting off to the side laughing at Orvil.  
  
"I think it's about time to bring out the first guest. Actually, I see that it says we will be bringing out the original five Gundam Boys as seen documented in Gundam Wing. This includes Heero, Duo, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei. Quatre has the flu, so please be quiet for him."  
  
The five boys enter the stage and sit at the desk. Quatre speaks up immediately.  
  
"Actually, I would like to clear this up. People have been saying that I have the flu. It is not true at all. In fact, I am actually pregnant. Trowa and I are having kids. We are getting married next month."  
  
Duo and Heero quickly spun on Trowa, screaming, "Trowa, we didn't know you were gay!!"  
  
Trowa, in response, gasped, then retaliated calmly and in a calm and quiet Trowa voice, "I am not gay. Quatre hasn't told you this, but.... she is actually a girl."  
  
It was Duo and Heero's turn to gasp. Quatre blushed. Heero paused for a moment.  
  
"I don't believe it. Quatre, you've gotta prove it."  
  
Quatre thought for a moment, while the audience, Duo, and Orvil watched in amazement. Quatre winked at Heero and said, "I'll prove it any way you want me to."  
  
And with that Heero's hand went up Quatre's shirt. He felt around for a minute, and then his hand moved down Quatre's pants. A moment later Heero removed his hand.  
  
"It's true, Quatre is female. Feels like a pretty good one to me. Explains a lot, too."  
  
At that moment a scream came from the audience. An angry Relena came running at Quatre.  
  
"You bitch! How dare you cheat with Heero on me! Letting him do that to you! Ugh! You're a bitch!"  
  
Quatre smacked Relena as soon as she got close.  
  
"I ain't no bitch! So steyop up off this 'fo I smack you upside your slutty head!"  
  
Relena gasped. Heero pulled a gun and shot her. The audience cheered. Orvil stared. Duo laughed.  
  
"What's the justice in this show? It's complete crap!"  
  
Some security guards dragged Wufei away while he babbled about justice. They also dragged away Relena's not quite dead body. Quatre sat back down on Trowa.  
  
"Okay, as host of the show I am required to ask my guests some questions. So the first one is how you five.. well, now four, got along after defeating Mariemaia? What were some problems you encountered, and how was life? Heero, since you seemed to have been the ringleader of this operation, piloting Wing Zero, and all, I'll have you answer it first."  
  
"Thanks, Orvil. After Mariemaia's defeat I moved to a small beach home on the California Coast on the Earthsphere. Relena has been stalking me, so that hasn't gone so well. I joined the Preventers, and had them post me in the colonies, since I love being in space. So I rotated from living in space on duty or in my fine-looking home. The only other Gundam pilot I have kept in contact with is Duo. We actually spent some time on vacation this last summer in the more populated colonies. Quite nice places actually. Really, I've been trying to put the name Gundam behind me. We attained peace, and that was our goal. The image of the little girl always comes back to me, but everyone knows that story. So really I have nothing else to go into."  
  
"Good story, Heero. Time for you to share, Duo."  
  
"Yeah. Sounds good to me. Unlike Heero, I worship my time spent as a Gundam Pilot. I just love killing people. I am, after all, the God of Death. Hilde and I work at the junkyard still. It is quite fulfilling work for me. I actually built up a nonworking smallscale model of Deathscythe. That has been my main project. I have only kept in contact with Heero, really, as he said. Other than working in the junkyard, I have been killing people, like a serial killer. Also there's been a lot of good sex. That's about all I can update on. Back to you."  
  
"Good sex, huh? I wish I knew what that was.. Trowa isn't much for talking, we all know that, So I'll have Quatre share for him."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"A bit after Mariemaia was defeated I told my true feelings to Trowa. At first he was a little surprised, but was fine with it. He started dating me while he still thought I was a guy. He never touched me, just took attractive girls with him on the dates to do the kissing for me. I guess he just did that for my sake. That's about when I showed him I was actually a girl. We immediately had sex. I travel with his circus and he makes most of our money, while I still own a business back at home. I have secretaries take care of most of the work while I'm away though. That's all."  
  
"What an interesting tale. My next question is... Well, I have no other questions. So here is my next guest, Cid Highwind."  
  
Cid Highwind walked out from behind a curtain, Vincent and the band played for him. He sits on the overcrowded guest couch.  
  
"This ain't no $@#&% way to treat a guest! Now where's my goddamn tea! Get me some tea, woman!"  
  
Shera appeared from nowhere, bringing Cid some tea.  
  
"Honestly, I don't know how you can drink that stuff."  
  
"It's $#@$*^#^% good tea!!"  
  
Cid shooed her off and she left. He drank his tea, and waited for questions.  
  
"Welcome, Cid. I'm Orvil."  
  
"I know who you are. I learned your name $##$%&^ well when I met you the first time."  
  
"Oh, sorry. Of course. What is your favorite kind of tea?"  
  
"What the $&#^^$#^ kind of question is that?! All kinds of tea are good! Better goddamn believe that! Don't ever ask that #$$#$^#&^ question again! Stop quivering before you piss your pants!"  
  
It was too late, Orvil had peed his pants. It was spilling onto the floor. Quatre eeked and threw herself into Trowa's arms, who held her away from the floor which was flooding with pee.  
  
"Sorry everyone! I can't control my bladder!"  
  
A little pink slip of fire floated down onto Orvil's desk. He wailed.  
  
"Oh dammit! I've been fired again!" 


End file.
